You have a boyfriend, but you don't want your parents to know. Maybe they don't approve of your specific boyfriend; maybe they just don't want you to be dating, period. Either way, you'll need to decide how many risks you want to take. It...
Method 1 of 5:
Keeping Him Secret
Weigh the risk of standing up to your parents against the risk of being caught. Try to understand where your parents are coming from. If you are trying to be sneaky because your boyfriend is significantly older, abusive in any way, or could have any other negative effects on your well-being: reflect on the reason why you're trying to keep him from your parents. Decide if it is really worth it. If your boyfriend is a genuinely good guy, then your parents might be acting unreasonably.[1]
Don't tell anyone that you don't trust. People love to talk about other people, and news may travel quickly through your school, church, or community. Be very careful who you tell, and make sure that they understand the gravity of the situation. If your friends tell their parents, then their parents might tell your parents. If your friends tell their friends, their friends might tell their parents, who might in turn tell your parents. Don't underestimate the power of gossip!
Make good excuses. Avoid lying. Just tell the truth about things that don't relate to your boyfriend. If your parents ask you what you did at school today, and you were ditching P.E. to be with your boyfriend: you still don't have to lie. Don't mention P.E., and tell them what you did in science, history, and math.
Don't act suspicious around your parents. If you act strangely or differently than you usually do, they might begin to suspect that you're hiding something. Try to keep a level head, and don't let anything slip. If your parents keep a close eye on your activity, they might notice when you start acting different.[2]Method 2 of 5:
Communicating Discreetly
Be careful when you talk on the phone. Call your boyfriend by a nickname, when you're on the phone, maybe even a girl's name so that your parents don't suspect who you're talking to. Save that nickname in your contacts; don't use his real name or photo, in case your parents decide to snoop through your phone.
Consider making a fake/private email account. This is only important if your parents are monitoring your email, or if you think they might be able to get access. If you email your boyfriend a lot, make sure you message him with a fake account so then your parents don't find out about your conversations. If they find out, you could be in trouble, especially if you're messaging things like 'I love you!'
Speak in code. Establish secret code words or phrases that only you and him know. This way, you might even be able to talk to him on the phone right in front of your parents without them knowing. This goes for call, text, or email, depending on how closely your parents are watching your communication.
Consider asking your boyfriend to make fake social media profiles. This way, if your parents check out your web history, they won't see his true name or photo. It may help if he creates an entirely new online identity. If not, ask him to abbreviate his name on Facebook (or use his middle name in place of his last name) so that he at least somewhat hides his identity.
Delete your messages. If your parents check your phone or computer often, delete your messages in 5-10 minute intervals. Don't only delete conversations between you and your significant other, but between you and everyone. If you don't have many conversations, it won't be as suspicious.Method 3 of 5:
Meeting Up With Him
Be careful about when and where you meet. If possible, meet where you won't be recognized. You don't want your parents, your relatives, community leaders, or your parents' friends to see you while you're out with your boyfriend. Meet when your parents think you're somewhere else, you could pretend to have a club meeting, or to be hanging out with a friend. You might even sneak out of the house at night.
Consider going out in groups. When you go out with your boyfriend, your parents will probably want to know where you are. It may be best to bring a friend or two with you when you go out. That way, when they call you, you can just say "Oh, I'm with Amy," and then put Amy on the phone with them to verify that indeed, you are with her and not your boyfriend!
Say you're sleeping over at a friend's house. This is a classic move, but you'll need to be very careful about your story to pull off. The basic idea: if you want to meet up with your boyfriend after hours or even stay over at his house, tell your parents that you are sleeping over at a friend's house. If your parents insist on meeting your friends, then you should use a good friend (who your parents have met) to corroborate your story.
Be very careful about inviting your boyfriend over to your house. Understand the risks: if you bring your boyfriend into your parents' space, then you are giving them a huge opportunity to find out about him. Wait for a time when they aren't home, a whole weekend is even better.Method 4 of 5:
Pretending That He's Just a Friend
Normalize having guy friends over. Have girl friends over, too. Emphasize to your parents that these boys are just friends. The more regular and neutral these visits, the better to warm your parents up to the idea of external male figures in your life.
Tell them he's just a friend. As weird as it may sound, band your boyfriend with the rest at first. If you've played it cool enough, your parents won't suspect a thing.
Make him familiar to your parents as a friend. After a while, your parents will probably loosen up and become used to having him around. This way when (and if) you choose to introduce him to them as your boyfriend, they won't be as disapproving. They will know him and have seen you interact, and they will know that it is a healthy relationship.
Consider when and whether it's time to tell your parents. Once they are friendly with him and are used to having him around, you may choose to tell them about him or continue with how you're going. Whether they like him or not generally plays a large role in that.[3]
Method 5 of 5:
Telling Your Parents
Think about why you haven't told them. Try to understand the underlying communication issues between you and your parents. Perhaps you don't want to tell your parents that you're dating someone of the same gender, or someone from a different ethnic or religious background, or someone significantly older than you. Maybe your parents have forbidden you from having a boyfriend, period. Give yourself a clear picture of the situation so that you can decide how to move forward.
Prove the stability of your relationship. Your parents might be suspicious of any new guy who comes into your life, but this may just be because they care. Don't tell your parents the moment that you start dating this guy. Give it at least a few weeks (or months) before you break the news, and try to
Introduce your boyfriend as a friend, first. If your parents learn to trust him, they may be less hesitant to say "no". Consider that your parents may have forbidden you from dating based on the abstract idea of a boyfriend a new and potentially-threatening male presence in your life, but that they might be a bit more lenient if the male presence is a friendly face.
Make sure that it's safe for you to tell them. Weigh the consequences of such a conversation. If your parents wouldn't react well (would disown you, forbid you from seeing your boyfriend, etc.), then it may be safer to wait. If you don't feel comfortable telling your parents, consider asking a teacher, a relative, or a community member to sit in as a moderator.
Marvin FryUpdate 28 March 2020
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